Hula Hooping (Expanded): Escaping the loop of a shelved project.
It’s 2 AM, and I woke up from my self-induced sleep with an overwhelming feeling to reflect upon yesterday. Yesterday was a big day for me as an artist, businessman, and man in general. I “manned up” yesterday.
I made the decision, on my own, without counsel (as I typically would need to vent to 100 before making a choice), to pull the plug on my upcoming project, “The Other Side of Me Vol II.”
At the same time, I announced the release of my first physical product, a tee shirt for Valentine’s Day.
Every hour leading up to the time to post about the shirts and every hour after the announcement of the shelved project…
I felt everything and nothing—as I realized, ‘Wow, I’m in the same boat once again.’
I’m terrified and uncomfortable as hell writing this, but an inner voice is telling me I’ll be glad I shared this later. It’s a… I don’t even know what word I want to use to describe my feelings because I’ve always been better at just *thinking* about it…
Okay, I’ll pick. Shitty. It’s a shitty feeling to realize you’re hitting the same wall project after project.
I’m forever proud of myself for how far in the sky my mind will go when thinking of these grand creative projects, my ability to assemble a dream team of talent, and my ability to map it all out to the most intricate micro details.
All for my bubble to burst when I realize I can’t juggle it all. Which is just code for there is no budget for these big-budget ideas I think of.
It’s great that I know a lot of people and creative professionals, and have a following, but it has yet to equate to anything able to liquidate.
(Yes, I just did that).
Oddly enough, unlike past times, I don’t feel angry at myself. Right now is a moment of opportunity, a chance for me to actually pivot this time. I know what I can’t do for sure, I can’t go and create another big thing. Thinking it’ll be “the one” to finally change my situation in life. I can’t keep creating out of a place of survival. That is unfair to my art, right?
I’ve been having meetings lately with my mentors, CEO and Finance/Tech gurus I connect with via Twitter, my financial coach, and fellow creative friends–all in their element, and have been getting asked the same question. “Well, what is your ultimate? What is your thing?” And, getting the same advice... I have to refine, define, and get specific. I have to choose one thing to devote the entirety of my focus.
Those are terrifying questions and advice, as I don’t know what I want to do.
At least the do of now to segue me into what I surely want to do and be known for later.
A vision so big, It’s gonna take years of building. Building within myself, branding, and my audience.
Being skilled and talented within so many avenues, and finding genuine enjoyment within each endeavor of mine…
I don’t know what I want to “focus” on… at once.
Truthfully, I want to run and hide. That is my go-to in moments like this. But, but, we’re pivoting. What I do next? That I don’t know. But I do know I want to figure it out and aid my personal life without using my creativity as the crutch to get me out of sinking waters. I do know that much. I don’t want to create out of survival. I want to create because I’m in the place to make something great and focus on delivering a strong and cohesive narrative. I do not want to create out of a place of desperation. I feel that is a disservice to who I am as an artist.
Thinking back to my last successful art project, it was a success because I had funds and nothing but time during quarantine to fully narrow in on that single project. I remember eating well, sleeping well, and exercising consistently at that time. I miss that version of myself so fucking much. I miss who I was before my wave of viral moments and immense social media attention. I miss the genuine curiosity, wonder, and drive I had for creating art. Well, I guess you can say I still have it. I guess I just miss the freedom of creating as a teenager. Creating as a young adult with bills and priorities is just… shitty!
To the version of myself that will read this when I make it, I can’t wait to see how we did it. And thank you for not giving up.
Right now is a pivotal moment in my life, a chance to reinvent, and a moment to be reborn.
Instead of jumping towards the sun, I’ll try walking on the ground.
Until I meet myself again…
